Here’s an old exerpt from my journal back in 2014. It’s strange reading it now, as though it were written by someone else.
“I can feel it’s going to be one of those days.
I tell it to piss off, but it never takes any notice of me. Just keeps sitting there, laughing at me, telling me to shut my mouth. You shut your mouth!
It wants to see me crumble, destroyed and devastated. They don’t understand. They don’t hear me. They just say, it’s fine, don’t worry. It’s not what it is. But, what do they know? Are they here, listening to its incessant shit? No. They’re never here, not when I need them to be. So, how the hell they can tell me anything?
They bore of me, hearing the same thing over and over again. I can see it in their eyes and by the curl of their lips. They don’t think I can, but I see it. I know.
It said they’re laughing behind my back. They think I’m stupid and on another planet. A looney tune. Maddy maddy.
I tried really hard this time though and I think I held it down. I don’t think anyone’s noticed. I spent time in my room, but I made sure I came out and did normal things. So, they have no reason to suspect.”
At the end there, I thought I was fooling the ward staff by acting ‘normal’. But, I was fooling no one, apparently.